you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Randomize
