I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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