i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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