i just had sex bonerless
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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