I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
