He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
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