Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
