i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
