"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
