I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
