I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Randomize
