We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
