Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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