i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
