Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
