bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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