Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
