in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
