yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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