you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
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Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
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The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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