He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
