so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
