pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
My vagina just clenched in fear
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
