New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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