I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
