Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
