I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
