He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
