My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
She bit a glass in half.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Randomize
