I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I have fence marks all over my body
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
