I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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