Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
