he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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