If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Randomize
