Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize
