It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
