I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
