Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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