I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
