My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Randomize
