Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
