Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
