Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
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