Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
