i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
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