i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
