Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
