So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
