I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
