I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
