You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
is that a dick in a sweater?
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Randomize
