My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
