mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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