I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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