when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
