Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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