I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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