I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
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