I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
