k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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