Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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